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Wednesday, April 22, 2009

Tony questions the habits "over the pond"

Blogging. It’s such an awful word. Like a cross between ‘blocking’ and ‘slogging’. I don’t know why, but, for me, it always conjures up a mental picture of someone constipated on the toilet. But this may be because I am a little unbalanced.

Speaking of toilets, (as we Brits are very fond of mentioning), why do you Americans call them ‘Bathrooms’? I’m not sure what goes on over the pond but in England we take a bath in our bathroom and try to avoid filling it with bodily wastes (unless it has been a spectacularly good party, of course).

And then there is the curious ‘restroom’. Are you leaving the dinner table in order to go and have a quick rest? Do you all suffer from some terrible sleeping disorder that can strike at a moments notice which means you must have an emergency rest before you can eat your steak? You clearly live in a very curious land.

Anyhoo – to business. Let’s get the shameless promotion out the way first, shall we? That way everyone can relax and unclench without the threat of a commercial hanging over us like the sword of Damocles.

In case you are wondering who the hell I am and why I have washed-up on the shores of your eminent website, let me just assure you all I am not some wandering internet minstrel but do qualify to guest here as the author of dark, British novel, ‘Ordinary World’, published by LL publications (www.ll-publications.com).

“What’s ‘Ordinary World, then?” I hear you mumble into your breakfast croissant.

Well, I’m glad you asked because it is an hilarious story which covers some pretty thorny subjects. What could be more dry and staid than religion? What could be more abhorrent than abortion? What deed could be fouler than the killing of healthy, newborn children?

Well, believe it or not, it is possible to take these disparate topics and turn them into a roller-coaster of laughs, tears, heart-stopping guffaws and shocking horror which some guy, whose name escapes me, writing on some newspaper I have just made up, said was, ‘Possibly the greatest debut novel ever written and I’m including the bible in that’.

High praise indeed. So if you want to see what makes the Brits laugh and have a sneaking suspicion it might make you chuckle too (even if it is involuntary!) then get your hands down the back of your couch, dig out your loose change, and send it to the nice people of LL publications and they will send you a copy of Ordinary World. Alternatively, jump onto wretched purveyors of filth,’amazon.com’ and type in Ordinary World. Some of you might not regret it.

Okay, time to hose ourselves down of this pitiless commercialism and get back to writing.

Speaking of morals, (well, let’s pretend we were, shall we?), it’s a funny old world we live in where less than 1% of the population can drive the remaining 99% into a recession; costing people their homes, their jobs – maybe even their relationships and the only tangible comeuppance received is a gentle, disappointed sigh from the government and 20 million dollars to quietly leave their desk and go and sit in their big house and think jolly hard about what they’ve done.

Yet whenever I peer through the letterbox at my semi-naked female neighbour, it’s me that gets visited by the police!

Where’s the justice in that, eh?

The serious point I’m making behind all this rubbish is that none of us hold identical morals yet we all have to live together and so we agree on a template of what is acceptable and what is not. But who decides the template and what if a new template got drawn-up with some radically different morals? What would you do then?

You’ll find in ‘Ordinary World’ that most of you will do nothing. Heroes can come from some unlikely sources. In fact, they might not really qualify as heroes at all…

Whoops, got another advert in when you were off your guard! Hey! A guys gotta eat, right?

Lastly, here are some thoughts on writing. Do you guys have the term ‘flasher’ in the US? In Britain the phrase means some dirty pervert in a raincoat who stalks the streets and exposes his naked self to women and girls. For me, writing is very much like that. It’s a device for me to threaten and upset people, which initially seems very unpleasant and uncalled for. But later on, after a few wines and a chat with their friends, they can look back on it and see how pathetic and misshapen the experience was and perhaps begin to harbour thoughts of pity at the inadequacy of their perpetrator.

Hang on, reading that last bit back it might be that I don’t come out of that analogy too well. Let’s try again. Writing is like making love. At the start you have a vision in your head about how perfect it is going to be, how moving and profound the whole experience will become.

And then the public stop returning your calls and the next time you see them they are reading a bloody Dan Brown book and giggling playfully. Bastards! The lot of ‘em!

The best of days to you all.

Tony McGuin


Mark Jackman said...

"Writing is like flashing"?


Ladies and Gentlemen, Tony McGuin is in the house!

Captivatex said...

Hey Tony, glad to see you out blogging at this late hour!

As his publisher, I suppose I'm responsible for letting Tony loose on the world, but I just had to. His humour is just so original! He's the only person I know who could take what is a distasteful subject and craft a hilarious story around it. Kudos to you, sir!

Jim Brown

Tami said...


Had you not let him out on the world, we would have been so very upset. Thank you for letting him come out into the real world for a while. When I first read his blog post I laughed so hard I nearly peed my pants. (I know Tony....more potty humor!)

Thanks Tony for giving us over the pond something to laugh at!


How To Build A Pond said...

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lastnerve said...

Heya Tony!

Great Blog, I was laughing my butt off! I love reading your posts! You rock!