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Wednesday, July 15, 2009
“Captain Crunch Is The Elvis Of Cereals!”
Is that subtle or what?
With the answer being kinda obvious, let’s sally right forth into today’s discussion. I can remember way, way back, had to be around 1963 or so, watching TV one Saturday morning. I, like lots of other kids of that era, loved Saturdays because all the major networks ran cartoons the entire morning. During some show, I can’t even remember which, a commercial came on showing this kindly cartoon captain who was touting his new brand cereal. His voice was very friendly, and the name of his cereal was a tad bit different than most: “Captain Crunch.” Given that in that era cereal manufacturers would run the same ads over and over and over again, I probably watched the Captain shill his new product a good eight to ten times at a minimum. Whatever the number was, it was sometimes very early that same Saturday afternoon when I pleaded with my mom to buy me a box. She did, I then enjoyed my first bowl, and was permanently hooked - still am to this very day!
I love Captain Crunch’s taste, and it’s hard to one hundred percent put my finger on just exactly what that taste is. It’s a bit oatsy, also has a bit of a honey taste to it, and is nice and sugary, just the way I like it. For some reason, when you blend all of its various tastes together, it’s heaven, the ultimate breakfast taste bud heroin. I never eat just one bowl of the Captain‘s finest, in fact, I’ve been known to down a whole box at just one sitting and still want even more after that. I could eat it for breakfast, lunch, and dinner, and when I want some of it, few cravings are any more powerful, least none that I could discuss out loud here.
Y’all will be glad to know I’m a Captain Crunch purist, that is, I only go for the regular Captain Crunch. I don’t do the Captain Crunch with the Crunchberries, I don’t do the peanut butter flavored Captain Crunch, and I damn sure don’t do the Chocko Crunch or any of its other more exotic offerings. For me, it’s plain ole Captain Crunch in a bowl, some milk, and a semi-shovel sized spoon so that I can get as much of it funneled down as quickly as I can possibly can.
Y’all know, as I wax a bit reflective here regarding Captain Crunch, it stirs me to think that the perfect day for me would be:
1. Sleep late.
2. Wake up.
3. Have sex.
4. Eat Captain Crunch for breakfast, at least two bowls full.
5. Have sex.
6. Watch episode one of The Scarecrow of Romney Marsh.
7. Eat two Nu-Way all the way hot dogs, two Nu-Way slaw dogs, and some fries for lunch.
8. Have sex, then take a nap.
9. Watch episode two of The Scarecrow of Romney Marsh.
10. Eat dinner at either Carrabba’s Italian Grill, Nu-Way Weiners, or Wild Wings Café. Enjoy a Dairy Queen Reese’s Peanut Butter Cup Blizzard for desert afterwards.
11. Go home and have wild sex whilst watching POV roller coaster videos.
12. Sneak in a very late bowl of Captain Crunch.
13. Go to sleep and repeat the same cycle everyday for the rest of my life.
So see, the Captain is obviously a very important part of my existence. And so it shall remain until the day I die, or at least until someone comes along with something even better breakfast cereal-wise. And all I can say about that is, to this date they haven’t even come close, and I personally don‘t think that they ever will..
And yes, let me get one more thing on the table before we close this one out, because I know some of y’all are sitting there thinking it - I fully realize that the Captain is not the most nutritious cereal available, it‘s probably not even in the top one hundred. I readily admit that. The thing is, though, that I don’t eat it for nutritional value, god, I hate to even use those words - nutritional value. You know your poor stomach is going to get hosed whenever you see that. I know that there are people out there who eat healthy items all the time so that they can live some extra years, but, if you live them by subsisting on a diet of cauliflower, soy milk, and shredded wheat, why in the hell would you even want to? Don’t get me wrong, I don’t advocate eating pure junk all the time, but I also don’t advocate making sure that everything we eat is truly healthy and nutritious, either. Let’s face it, our cemeteries are full of healthy dead people, who, no matter how hard they tried, still ended up discovering that all that healthy eating didn’t stave off a eternity’s worth of living in your own six foot deep underground condo. You have to use some common sense about it, so, for me I’d rather eat the occasional chili dog and have a year or two less to live than eat all that healthy crapola and go on to be a very old, yet loudly stomach growling and grouchy old man.
So y‘all, I’ve placed my marker here regarding breakfast cereals, and proudly state that Captain Crunch is my favorite of them all, of all-time, in fact. Will my opinions about it make everyone happy? Nah. Will they change anyone’s mind out there? Probably not. Will I care, long as I have a big bowl of the Captain’s best waiting on me soon as I email this in to Tami? Hell in my Fruit of the Looms, no!