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Tuesday, November 3, 2009
the Parable of the Three Flusher by Ed Williams
Bob worked for a large area employer, and as such was the custom that he had to travel in order to perform his work. On most of his travels he was unfortunate enough to be alone and chagrined, as Bob didn’t like to be alone, really, who amongst us does? Most of all, he wished to travel with the apple of his loins, the beautiful, sensual, and lovely Esmeralda.
Bob had known the fair Esmeralda for years, she of the Accounting function and he of the Auditing branch, and they had peacefully coexisted professionally. Although Esmeralda was herself unaware, Bob had noticed her for years. He loved looking upon her, at her flowing black hair, her voluptuous curvature, and at her legs that Bob felt could, “Wrap themselves around a big-assed oak tree and squeeze the sap right out of it.” To say Bob desired more from Esmeralda than professional kinship was obvious, very obvious to Bob but not so much to Esmeralda, as Bob discreetly disguised the tentage which occurred in his pants whence-ever Esmeralda happened by him. This happened to take place many times a day, the practical effect being that some days the underside of Bob’s desk sounded as if Thumper the Mythical Rabbit was of residence underneath.
Bob long desired to make Esmeralda his own, but there was but one problem – she was pledged to another. For Bob this was problematical, but he came to find that the desire in his britches was much more compelling than the common sense dictates of his mind. This being the case, he began formulating fervent plans on how to seduce the fair Esmeralda.
Soon, an opportunity presented for a business trip off to the faraway land of Toledo, Ohio. Some schooling was being presented there regarding innovative auditing learnings and practices. Bob knew that he would be required to attend, but was both shocked and pleased when he learned that the fair Esmeralda would be required to attend as well. When he heard and digested this information, his mind sprung forth from it a plan, a plan that he felt would finally make the fair Esmeralda his very own…..
The trip to Ohio soon commenced, and the very first day found Bob and Esmeralda huddled together sharing one computer amongst themselves. This they had to do the entire day, on up until the class conclusion at six. And right before said six Bob began his plan of conquest, his plan to ultimately sequester Esmeralda’s drawers for his very own. It started when he asked her,
“Wanna go to dinner?”
Esmeralda gratefully accepted, as she was worn and frazzled from the long day’s training activities and was hopeful of Bob’s grabbage of the dinner tab. Getting her jacket, she and Bob hustled out from the conference center onto the sidewalk. As soon as they made their way to the curb, Bob signaled for a cab. One quickly arrived, whence then he and the fair Esmeralda stepped inside. Bob asked the driver to take them to a very well-known area Mexican restaurant. Esmeralda smiled just as soon as he did, then exclaimed, “Bob, how did you know that Mexican food is my favorite?” Bob knowingly smiled and replied, “Esmeralda, I listen to everything you say, have for years.” With that, she leaned over and kissed Bob’s cheek. Bob smiled, flushed, and crossed his legs so that his rapidly developing woodie wouldn’t tent up his draws. And with that, they both made their way over to Pancho’s Taco Barn.
It didn’t take but around ten or so minutes to make the trip to Pancho’s. When they arrived, both Bob and Esmeralda quickly learned why it enjoyed the popularity it did - it was very festively decorated and had a huge bar area, so huge that six bartenders plied their trades there! They were seated quickly, and Bob then remembered a comment Esmeralda had made months ago at a staff meeting regarding her love of margaritas. Soon Bob had ordered them a huge frozen pitcher full, and they began enjoying them immediately. When they got to the point of ordering their dinners, Bob asked for the “All You Can Eat Neutron Taco” special, as he knew that if he kept plenty of food in his stomach that it would diminish the effects of the alcohol he was consuming.
As time passed and more margaritas were poured, Bob’s plan began to pay off.
Esmeralda kept drinking and getting progressively drunker, as she did, Bob became aggressively bolder. He did, however, make sure to keep eating plenty of Neutron Tacos all the while to insure that he’d have the clarity of mind to enjoy what he hoped would come later. And come it did, at around ten o’clock or so. By then, Esmeralda had consumed six large margaritas and was kissing Bob like a Viagra-addicted rabbit. Bob had managed to sip down only three, and had eaten eight Neutron Tacos as extra precaution so that his stomach lining was fully coated. Bob well expected, as he helped Esmeralda into the cab afterwards, that his plan was about to pay off. In fact, he knew it was about to pay off as on the ride right back to their motel Esmeralda starting calling his pink trouser monkey “Herbert” and advised Bob that she was going to make “Herbert” march like “a good soldier” just as soon as they got back to their room.
When Bob and Esmeralda arrived back to their motel they quickly hustled up to her room, closed the door, and there then commenced the wildest, hottest sex that either had ever known. Even more liquor was consumed, mouths and hands were exploring places they never had before, and Bob even yodeled out loud like Tarzan a coupla times. Bagging Esmeralda was even sweeter in true reality than he’d ever imagined it, and he silently thanked the demon of all horniness for his amazing good fortune.
More hours passed…..finally, after both had groped, fondled, licked, thrusted, and moaned their way to heaven and back several times, they snuggled in together and fell fast asleep. For Bob, this was as close to heaven as he’d ever imagined - he’d just enjoyed Esmeralda, the woman of his dreams, and now they were snuggled tightly together and fast asleep at around 2 am or so……
….and it lasted until about 3:30 am or so. Suddenly, the combined effects of eight Neutron Tacos and several shots of hard liquor fused together in Bob’s stomach and quickly produced a Nagasaki-type effect, one so profound that he awoke from a sound sleep with wide-open eyes and suffering from the mother of all pains! Pains so severe that he realized if he weren’t planted upon the top of his room’s toilet in about thirty seconds that he was going to poop wherever he happened to find himself! And nothing would more profane the erotic, sinful beauty of what had just occurred between himself and the lovely Esmeralda than to find that he had just taken a dookie all over the bed and even potentially all over her!
Bob as quickly and softly as possible extracted himself from Esmeralda’s embrace and tip-toed fastly into the bathroom. Unfortunately, as is the case with most motel rooms, only one thin wall separated the bed and the toilet itself. Bob was confident that he could mask the impending sounds through the running of the vent fan, a confidence that was shattered just as soon as he flipped the “on” switch and found that his vent fan wouldn’t cut on – at all! Fear gripped Bob as he realized that not only would there be no way to mask the sound of his impending ass eruptions, he also realized the fact that the stench would soon escape and be wafting right up into the peacefully sleeping nostrils of his beloved Esmeralda! With his gut grumbling more intensely and the impending ass Nagasaki eminent, Bob quickly grabbed a towel and shoved it into the crack underneath the door. At least that would keep the stench from wafting out into the room for a few moments. No time for Bob to think anymore about that, however, because Mother Nature then sent him a final warning pain, which gave him just enough time to jump upon his toilet seat and………….
“FRRRRRRAAAAAPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPP!” His first anal salvo was loud and rank, and was following by a couple of loud bass-toned fizzlers to boot! Bob’s ass was sputterin’ like a flesh-colored Mt. Vesuvius, and the bad thing was that it wouldn’t stop pootin’! Bob quickly flushed the toilet, as at least this would clear out some of the stench, but no sooner had he done this than his ass frapped loudly again a coupla times, which made the stench in the bathroom even more putrid and rank! Bob was near tears as he tried to fan the air with his hands, which really accomplished little as he could not stand up as the upheaval in his bowels wouldn’t allow it. He was doomed to his confinement atop the porcelain prison, and resignedly sat there as he let out another ten to twelve loud, rasping farts. A second flush cleared out the results of these noxious efforts, and then, after some considerable clean-up activities, a third flush rang out and officially signaled the end of one of the worst ass symphonies Bob had ever been responsible for.
After a few moments Bob stood up and felt the embarrassment ripple all over him, hoping beyond hope that Esmeralda had not heard the horrible ass tuba concerto that he’d just produced. He then waited silently for the longest time, making sure that all the stench had dissipated and that it was safe for him to return to the bed that he and the fair Esmeralda were sharing. Finally, he quietly opened the door and slowly tip-toed across the room, making sure that he wasn’t making any sounds that might wake her up. He got to their bed and slowly pealed the covers back and slipped inside, grateful that he was able to do this and ever so hopeful that Esmeralda was asleep. After laying there very quietly for a few moments, he reached over to touch the lady of his dreams - alas, he could not find her! And, as he realized this to be the case, he heard a voice from over in the corner of their room, from the place where the blue leather easy chair reposed, which said, “Gee Bob, would you answer the phone? Some ass has been calling us for the past hour or so!”
Bob spent another hour letting his shame and sense of loss wash over him. And, as exhaustion finally cradled his soul and led him towards the Land of Nod, he realized that one can ass around, be a shit, and maybe get away with it, but if one asses around, takes a shit, and does so loudly one never can….